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Welcome to the web log on depressionhappens.com

This journal will answer reader questions, offer tips for living with and managing depression and keep everyone up to date on my new books, radio interviews and book tours. If you're new to this web log, you can scroll to the bottom of the page and read the entries in order.

Oprah and Martha

I remember watching am Oprah Winfrey show with Martha Stewart as the guest. When they both walked in the crowd stood up and cheered. Really loudly! When this happens to a lot of people they will hold out their arms and say, “Thank you, but that’s enough. You can sit down now” Oprah did something very, very different. She really looked at the crowd. She looked at Martha and she said, “We accept your applause.” I really learned something when Oprah said that. It told me that not only did she know her own place in the world, she also understood that people wanted to cheer her on and that they admired what she and Martha Stewart have done as people. I want to learn from that. When people tell me that they get a lot from my work or that my books have saved their relationships, I want to really feel it and say, I appreciate your applause. It’s respectful and helps me feel that I do have a purpose.

Julie

Set a time to exercise with a friend every week. Rain or shine.

When depression makes it difficult for you to get out of the house, having plans with a dependable friend really helps. When you walk with someone you care about – or maybe even a new friend, you not only get the benefits of the exercise, but talking with the person can often take your mind off depression. Set a time to walk at least once a week. If you do more you might find yourself over taxed which means you might start making excuses for not going. Find someone you can talk to about your plan to walk on a schedule and ask them to pick you up. If you know someone is arriving at a certain time, you are more likely to get ready. You have to be a part of this as well. Make a rule with yourself that you won’t cancel. Even if you feel too depressed to walk. You can walk – you may just not feel like walking. Depression rarely takes away your ability to exercise.

This is another section of my book – I’m always trying to think of ways to get out and exercise when I get depressed- making someone else set the time and then expect me to be there really helps. Plus the conversation is good!

Julie

Explain Depression to the People in Your Life

I’m currently writing a book called Getting Things Done When You’re Depressed. I have a section on how to explain depression to the people in your life. It’s often hard to find the words- if you can explain what you go through when you’re not depressed, people will understand your behavior a lot better when you are!

Here is an example:

When I’m depressed I have trouble deciding what to have for breakfast, what to wear and definitely don’t look forward to my day. Work is two to three times more difficult than usual. Time goes slowly and my brain tells me how worthless and unhappy I am all day. This happens because my brain is not functioning correctly. There is nothing really wrong with me. I hope you can understand that.

I tell my family and friends what I’m going through so that they can help me every time I get sick.

Julie

Hi Everyone,

I’m currently writing a book about getting things done when you’re depressed. I have a lot of stories for people and how they manage their work – I can’t use all of them, so I thought I would put some of them here.

** Janis**
I have a process I use for all of my work projects. I work in television marketing so I often have a lot of different articles, press releases, pictures, DVD’s etc that go with one project. First of all, doing marketing when you’re depressed is more of a challenge than most people ever experience at work. I’ve thought of quitting many times, but the good days make up for the bad days. This is why I have to be organized before I start calling people to book my clients. I know that a lot of agents do all of their stuff straight from the computer. Some days I can do this- but on depressed days, I can’t remember where I put my files and I often feel overwhelmed simply by the logistics of my work instead of the work itself. So, I got large, single accordion files and use one for each client. It’s old school- I remember doing it before there was so much on the computer. I use a label maker and put the name of the client, their phone number, email and address on the outside of the file. I then put everything associated with the client in the file. I keep these files in a box by my desk where I can see them. It’s a lot different than keeping the information in a closed file cabinet. I feel comforted knowing everything I need is there in a nice, clean file. It’ more work to print out stuff and put it in the file, but it’s easier than searching my email folders all day.
**

I have to do the same thing. I need to see something before I can figure it out- then I move to the computer.

Julie

When I'm depressed and teary and it feels like life is pointless, it's often hard to get anything done, so I say:

It's okay Julie. You can do it Julie. Take a break and come back to it. You can do it. Bipolar disorder is really kicking your butt today, but you can get through it. Just keep going.

This helps so much.

In the past, before I started the Health Cards, I heard very different voices, You're such a mess Julie. You never finish anything. You reek with ineffectiveness. You're a failure and everything you do is worthless. You should just die.

What a way to live!
For so many years that is how I talked to myself when I was sick. Or, I should say that is how bipolar disorder talked to me when I was sick. I no longer allow this talk. Ever. I still hear it, but I don't have to listen to it or act on it. I much prefer being nice to myself, even when I make a complete mess of things during a mood swing.

What compassionate language can you use instead of the harsh language bipolar disorder wants you to use? Here are some suggestions:

- I am proud of myself that I kept going today and didn't get into bed.

- I love it that I am on this web site and that I'm looking for help. That is success!

Julie

April 17th, 2006

There is no one to save me…..

Depression always makes me think that if I could just find the right person, or the right job, or the right body weight, or the right anything, I would not be depressed any more. Does this happen to you? The truth is no matter what I strive for and no matter what I accomplish, depression doesn’t really care. It tells me that it’s not good enough and then sets up another set of rules for me to follow. It’s a never ending game with this depression! I know that I get depressed in the same way all of the time no matter where I am or whom I’m with. This is hard to remember when the depression starts, but it’s good information to have. It means that it’s just a part of the illness to think that there is someone or something out there that can take care of this illness. Unfortunately, that’s not usually the way it works.

I’ve found that the best way to treat depression is to ignore what it’s telling me and just get on with my life. If it makes it hard for me to listen to my regular music, then I don’t turn on the music or I turn it on in defiance and just remind myself it’s just music and I listened to it just fine the other day. If it tells me I need new friends, I answer it back and say my friends are just fine, the depression is the real problem. I spend my time treating the depression instead of searching the internet for something new to do. I don’t have time to do new things! But depression doesn’t care.

If I look at my Health Card for depression it reminds me that there’s nothing new with my depression. It has been the same since I was 16. The difference is that I have so many more tools now and I can get on with my life.

If depression is getting you down today, the best thing you can do it get up and go do something. No matter what it is and no matter how rotten you feel about doing it. You have to do it. Get up and get out and tell depression to leave you alone. Check your meds. Ask for help. Do what you have to do, but DON”T listen to what the depression says. Write your thoughts, actions and words in the symptoms column of your depression Health Card so you can use this information the next time you get sick to remind yourself that depression LIES. And you don’t have to listen to it. You just have to treat it.

We can do this together. I will not let this illness take over my life. I let that happen for too many years. I’m going to take a walk. How about you?

Julie

April 2006

Hello Everyone, I have so many articles that I have not used and keep meaning to send as newsletters. Oh well! Things do get in the way. I am just going to keep posting them on the blog. There will be a Medications and Weight Gain newsletter soon. It is written. I am just trying to get around the spam controls. Here is an article on depression.

The Top Ten Ways to Manage Depression

1. Treat depression as an illness not a personal problem. Remind yourself all day every day that this is depression and not you and you can get better.

2. Exercise. It really does make a huge difference in your recovery.

3. Get enough light and know why you are getting it. The morning sets your day, but always be careful about mania.

4. Eat a depression friendly diet – watch the white flour, sugar and coffee.

5. Ask for help and teach others exactly what you need.

6. Have responses ready to depressive thoughts. If you have the thought, “What’s the point of life?” Respond with the thought, “This is depression talking and I don’t listen to depression. There is nothing wrong with my life. The problem is that I am sick and I’m going to do something to get better.”

7. Understand that suicidal thoughts are normal. They are a sign that you are ill, not that you need to kill yourself. It means the depression is in control and you need help.

8. Work on yourself outside of depression to create a foundation that is stronger than depression. Know who you are so that you can know it is depression and not you when you get sick. Reading and therapy can help with this as can spiritual study.

9. Know every single sign that you are depressed, write down what you say and think so that you can see this when you get sick and it will remind you that it is an illness that always has the same symptoms. Depression is very tricky. It is a very successful illness. You have to be smarter than the depression. This stage is where the Health Cards are invaluable.

10. Know what triggers your depression and always remember that though depression can have a lot of control over your life, you are truly in control of the actions that lead to depression. If being with a certain person makes you sick every time, then you are in control of seeing that person. If a certain event you attend makes you depressed and paranoid, then it is up to you to say no to the event. This is one of the hardest steps when it comes to treating depression, but the more we exercise our free will around triggers, the better chance we have of finding stability.

Never Give Up

Depression does end. One reason people remain depressed is that they give up on trying to change their brains. This is not weakness and it does not mean they create their own depression. What it means is that depression wins. You have to remain in depression fight mode until the depression is gone. It is the only way to make it go away. You can then work on prevention so that it does not come back. So if you are depressed right now, you can devote 24 hours of your day to the above step. Whether you have to work, take care of kids, go to school or travel, you can practice these ten steps.

You must learn what your particular depression sounds like so that you do not waste time trying to fix something that is not really a problem.

For example: When I’m well I enjoy time by myself. I like to watch videos, crochet, write, paint, practice singing, think, and plan for the future. When I am sick I’m a completely different person when I’m alone. I worry that I have no friends and that my life is pointless. I look at the clock and think- it is 6PM. I only have to fill four more hours and then I can finally go to bed. Nothing feels right and my brain takes me back to the past and distorts the past to the point that I feel hopeless and unhappy. I think of my ex and wish I could be with him again- even though we were not very happy our last year together. I am restless and have trouble making decisions. I can not decide what to eat or what to do and somehow my brain makes me believe that this is because nothing tastes good and there is nothing to do anyway.

Deep inside I’m the exact same person who usually likes to be alone. I’m the same person who likes to have free time to make jewelry and go to the gym. But when I’m sick it is as though that person disappears and I start to think there is something wrong with me. I make decisions that affect my future in a bad way. I become needy and bother people. I appear weak to myself and am sure I’m that way in other’s eyes. I can’t create or even live in peace. This is not the real me. This is the depressed me. And when this depressed me takes over, I can’t listen to my thoughts and I have to be very, very careful not to act on these thoughts. This is when my choices become so important. I have to make choices that are about the real me and not the depressed me. This is how I end the depressive episode a lot quicker than in the past.

Once you know the difference between the real you and the depressed you – you can create a plan that will help you stop the depression and keep it from coming back. You have to learn to ONLY treat the depression when you are sick. You do not have to treat your life. If you are happy with something most of the time and then very unhappy with it when you are ill, then the problem is the illness and not the thing you usually enjoy. You can learn to see the signs that you are depressed and get off the wheel that just keeps going in circles with no progress. You can stop episodes on your own just by realizing what is happening.

Creating a Plan

You must have a plan such as the Health Cards or whatever works for you that is ready for the days when the depression clouds everything you do. This is how you fight depression. You can do it. And you can have your life back. This illness may always be here, but you will at least have the tools to make sure it is only here part of the time. For the rest of your time, you can find peace and happiness.

Good luck. You can do it.

Depression Comes First

I often have to stop doing things, or going out with certain people simply because the depression just won’t let me stay stable around these things and people. It’s very frustrating. I often think, “Why can’t you just be more mellow Julie?” Well, I’ve never been mellow in my life. I don’t think I’m going to change now. I’m calmer, but rarely mellow. So, if I’m in a situation that makes me ill, even when it’s not a super bad situation, I have to let it go. This is so hard because the things I have to stop doing and the people I have to stop seeing are often very, very exciting.

Darn illness.

Julie

Depression is a Dis-ability

I know that for years my family just had no idea why I was an underperformer when it came to work and relationships. They constantly talked of how I was so smart – “But she just can't seem to finish school!” I wish I had known what to say, but considering that I didn’t even know I had an ilness, I just felt ashamed of my life. I now know what to say to family and friends who don’t understand the seriousness of depression.

Dear Family and Friends,

Severe depression is a disability. It is not recognized in that way by most people, but it probably will be more so in the future- many of us are dis-abled from leading the life we want and you want us to lead. We often can’t function like other people can function. We can’t snap out of it, therapy our way out of it or just get on with it- whatever the “it” is you want us to do. WE HAVE TO LEARN WHAT WE CAN DO AND WE NEED YOUR HELP. Please know that stress makes us sick- good stress, bad stress, stress that is none of our business- all stress makes us sick. Can you look at us differently? Can you see us as people who have an illness that often makes us unable to be “normal”? Can you hug us, love us and help us even when we make you scared, angry and embarrassed? Please help us turn a disability into an opportunity.

Julie

Taking on Too Much

It’s very easy to take on too much during the holidays. For most people, there is still plenty of time before the actual festivities begin. In other words, there is plenty of time to say no to things you know will make you ill. If you don’t want to buy presents because the stores are too stressful, tell people. If you don’t want to cook because it makes you ill, tell people. If you don’t want people at your house all day – don’t want to get on a plane – don’t want to go to an office party – then tell people. If you had pneumonia or serious problems with diabetes or any other illness, people would understand. You have to teach them to understand about bipolar disorder as well.

Julie

Why are Depressed People So Darn Mean and Irritable?

Even though I have serious depression and get rather irritated myself, I still find it hard to deal with my family and friends when they’re depressed and mean. Just because I experience similar symptoms, it doesn’t mean I’m a saint when I experience the behavior in others.

Getting irritable and mean is a normal part of depression for many people. I know I used to bite people’s heads off before I learned to control my own anger. I have kicked walls, punched cars, slammed doors and almost wrenched a door off a dryer. I am very glad to say that I stopped all of that behavior once I created an irritation and anger health card.

If you have a loved one who is way too irritable, you can use the Health Cards to at least give you some idea on what to do so that the irritation is not taken out on you. I also talk extensively about anger in my book Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder in a chapter called – One Couple Takes Charge. There are tips in the chapter that help for all concerned parties – even the people with depression . (Even though this book is about bipolar disorder, it works just as well for depression as they are both mood disorders.)

When my friends or family are irritated on the phone or in person, I just want to walk away and not deal with them. I know they are depressed, but it’s up to them to do something about the depression instead of taking it out on other people. We all have only so much patience. I get especially frustrated when I know some ways they could get rid of the anger, but they have no desire to try what has worked for me. It’s none of my business, so I often have to keep quiet because they will even get more angry. A true catch-22.

Irritation and anger and downright meanness ruins relationships. I know because I did it for years. Leave me alone, can’t you think faster? Why are you so damn annoying? You’re weak. What is with that driver? Why did the hostess sit us at this crappy table at this restaurant? Oh, my list is endless. Add all of this to the physical signs of my impatience – rolling eyes, sighing and walking off in disgust and you get an idea of what I was like before I used the Health Cards. If you have this problem or someone you love is driving you crazy with this problem, I suggest creating an irritation and anger Health Card so that relationships don’t get ruined.

When you have depression, it’s up to you to watch how you interact with others. You don’t have to listen to what your brain is saying and you certainly don’t have to take this irritation out on the people you love. Tell them you’re irritable. Notice the words that come out of your mouth and then apologize and stop before you go to far. Knowledge of the Depression Conversation and how to prevent it can really change the way you interact with others when you’re depressed. (This is fully explained in the Health Cards.)

If you are a family member or friend, you can also learn the Depressed Conversation tools I talk about in my couples’ book and the Health Cards. These tools can save relationships.

Julie

Obsessions Don’t Care Who or What You Obsess About

I’ve noticed that my depressed brain simply likes to obsess on anything and everything. It could be a new person, or a small sentence someone said. (And I always feel there are mad at me and just haven’t told me yet.) It could be a CD that I can’t stop listening to and then I hear the music all night as I sleep. It can actually be anything, though I have to admit that it tends to be relationship or money oriented for myself, while others obsess about work, physical appearance and anything else that is slightly stressful.

I often feel really embarrassed to hear my own thoughts. I don’t really think this way! I’m a rather rational and self sufficient person, but the obsessions make me feel like a weirdo who can’t control her thoughts or behavior.

A friend of mine with serious depression has the same problem. It’s great that we can talk to each other as it reminds both of us that obsessions are simply a part of the illness. What’s interesting is that the way we obsess is exactly the same, but her subjects are so different from mine. For example, mine last night were on a person I’m dating, a Jeff Buckley CD, worries about money, guilt about not working enough, a surgery I’m having on Monday on my shoulder, traveling with a friend in the future, etc. etc. All of this goes on at once with full on fantasies of what will happen just like watching a movie. How does the brain do so much at once? It’s very stressful and tiring, especially as I was not really able to get back to sleep.

For about an hour I tried to fight the thoughts and calm my brain. I kept saying to myself, these thoughts are not real! I don’t think this way when I’m well. I even yelled STOP! out loud.

Then I had the idea to just lie there and see where the thoughts went. It didn’t stop the thoughts but I could tell they were just a loop of ideas I really didn’t believe if I looked at them closely. They were not the real me. They were just a part of a malfunctioning brain that picked up on the things that happened to me during the day and turned them in to obsessions. I then decided to just let them run on without trying to stop them or answer them. And then I felt some peace. I always have to remind myself that if I look at my obsession Health Card it says the same thing over and over. Obsessions are a very annoying and stressful part of depression, but they are normal.

If only I had……… I would not be so depressed.

A person or a thing can’t help with your depression – only you can take care of depression through medications and a comprehensive treatment plan. If I had a new boyfriend/girlfriend … if I could just travel where I wanted…… I know I would be fine if I had another job.

If you’re like me, when those things happen it feels great for a while and you think ah yes! this does work for depression and then you’re shocked when it comes back and the person or thing you thought would make such a huge difference no longer works.

This is hard to accept. I know that I want someone or something to make me feel better when I’m depressed. And of course, the people you love can be supportive and be there when you need them, but in my experience they are no match for depression.

This is why I really pay attention to my neediness meter when I’m really depressed. I talk about this in all of my books. There are steps I take to get better before I overwhelm the people in my life. I don’t want to overwhelm people just because I’m sick. I’ve done this so many times. I also know that going out and meeting new people or changing my life in some way rarely helps depression for long anyway.

As frustrating as this is, it means that treating depression is up to me. I am the one that has to go to the doctor, take my meds, get sunlight, ask for help and get out of bed. No one can really do this for me.

Julie

Shoulder Surgery

As you can tell, I have not been writing the blog lately. I had shoulder surgery and it has been quite an experience – yes, that is an euphemism for it has been TOUGH! I am getting better and hope to start writing more soon.

Julie

Dealing with a Serious Trigger

I think that finding a reason to go on when you’re really depressed is one of the most difficult dilemmas we ever experience. As I wrote above, I just had some rather serious shoulder surgery. I did quite well the first few days and then the sever depression started. It really got to me very quickly. I had a lot of pain to deal with and then the depression. I will take pain any day! It’s so much easier to stay in the moment when it’s physical pain. When it’s brain pain, it’s just so hard to remain hopeful and reasonable. I am very tired of this depression - it comes back just when I’m doing so well.

Here is what I have done to deal with this downswing:

- slightly increased my Lamictal
- added a very, very small amount of an antidepressant
- got out my Health Cards and reminded everyone to use them with me. This really helped
- I made a deal with myself to keep going forward with my day even though I don’t feel like it
- worked on being easier with myself – I just had surgery and it’s quite a trigger
- deal with the sadness and frustration of not being able to work
- remind myself that it’s an illness and nothing is really wrong with my life though the depression tells me everything is wrong with my life
- stop the all day long DVD marathon and get up and get out and move forward

And I have to remind myself that feeling like I don’t have a purpose in life is part of being depressed and it’s not real. I will get better and the best thing I can do now is to just get on with my life and not let depression keep me from living.

Julie

Positive Talk When You Feel Really Negative

I have to admit that I am not exactly positive when I’m depressed, anxious, suicidal, psychotic or overwhelmed. In fact, I can be so negative that people don’t want to be around me. I think that those of use with depression have trouble being positive simply because the thoughts we he hear (whether they be our own thoughts, intrusive thoughts or hallucinations) don’t exactly give us the space to think something positive.

Despite this, I have taught myself to be more positive in stressful situations. I do it in two ways. When I feel the really negative, irritating thoughts starting, I make sure I keep my mouth SHUT. I have ruined so many occasions by being negative – from dinners in a restaurant, to social events. The next way I deal with the problem is to LIE. “”Yes, it’s great! I am so happy to be here.” Or “I really had fun, thank you.” This has helped me greatly and I know it has improved my relationships.

Julie

Why Some Women Get Depressed During Menstruation

Some women experience really strong downswings right before their period. When you have depression, these downswings can be really strong.

I asked my coauthor, Dr. John Preston why this happens and here is his reply. Please remember this is simply meant as information. Please talk with your health care professional regarding any questions you have.

“When there are rapid changes in estrogen levels as occur prior to menstruation, in about 5% of women, the changes in estrogen cause a rapid drop in serotonin and this can be accompanied by depression and or irritability. You might want to speak with the person prescribing your medication about using an antidepressant (e.g. serzone or another SSRI) for only those 2-3 days a month that this occurs. These pre-menstrual mood changes are really the only kind of depression that responds quickly to an SSRI (usually within a few hours) and since you'd only be on it a few days per month, you may not experience side effect problems...check it out.”

I have to be really careful about taking anti depressants, but if you have these downswings, you may want to talk with your doctor about this information.

Julie

Lethargy

I recently increased my medications and noticed that my desire to do anything other than sit and watch DVD’s is basically gone. I’m used to being rather overworked, so this lack of drive is a problem. It’s one I remember well when I used to take medications in the 90’s. I have to make sure I don’t give in to this. Getting in bed for a “rest” is not exactly the best way to get things done.

So, I made myself get out of the house and get online and do some work. I also reminded myself that the side effects always get better once I get used to the meds. I am very happy to be less depressed, but I can’t become a big slug with no life. I am sure you understand. Does this happen to you?

Julie

Tolerance

Every person I know with depression and anxiety has trouble waiting for things to happen. Whether it be the results of an exam, a call from a job interview or when you will next see a person you are interested in. It can be terrible for us in many ways. I have found that waiting causes paranoia and OCD symptoms in many people with depression. Even though this is normal it makes us feel like little whiners who can’t take things as they come. Here are some tips for strengthening your tolerance muscles. It takes a LOT of time to change, but you can do it.

- learn to be more laid back by watching others who don’t seem to stress about life
- don’t let an event take up your time just because it takes over your mind. Find a center
- practice saying to friends, “Give me a call and we’ll set something up.”
- don’t demand that people do things on your schedule – give them space
- expect stress when you don’t know the outcome of something
- understand that most things happen on their own pace
- no one really knows the outcome of anything. Remember this when your brain is going bonkers with worry and overwhelming thoughts. There is no crystal ball for anyone.

It makes sense that those of us with these depressed brains would have to teach ourselves tolerance. It takes time, but we can do it. I know that friends and family will be very grateful!

Julie

Hispanic Heritage Month

I often think about the cultural barriers many people face when they are diagnosed with depression. I remember when my partner Ivan was in the hospital there were literally people from all over the world on the ward. There was a woman from Vietnam and one older man from Mexico. Neither spoke English and their family members had to come daily and translate. Being in the hospital is stressful enough without being able to understand the doctors or nurses.

I also receive letters from people who tell me that trying to explain depression to their immigrant parents is almost impossible. Another woman wrote and said, “I’m an African American woman and believe me, we are not supposed to get sick. We hold the family together. I think it took my family a really long time to realize that I need help – no matter how strong I am supposed to be.”

If you experience stress because of cultural issues, you are not alone.

Julie

What are My Real Emotions?

When someone has been sick with depression all of their lives and they then find a treatment plan that works, it can be a huge transition. I am learning what is real and what is the illness. I know I talk about this a lot in my books and yet talking about something and then actually doing it is so different. What does real sadness feel like? How about real joy? How are they different from the unrealistic feelings of sadness that depression gives you?
One way I am learning to tell the difference is to see if there is a real event attached to the emotion. For example, if I experience something that would cause sadness in another person, I can learn how that sadness feels as compared to the sadness I can literally feel all day for no reason when I’m depressed.

In other words, I think that emotions caused by the real you and not depression are calmer than those caused by a mood swing.

After over 20 years of illness I am living the life of a ‘normal’ person and I want to live it to the fullest. This means I have to learn to deal with real emotions now that I have worked so hard on the emotions caused by depression.

So the next time you feel something strongly, see if the event warrants this strong emotion by comparing your reaction to the reaction someone without depression would feel.

Julie

Be Proud of Your Accomplishments and Not Ashamed of Your Past

I was just emailing with a nice person who Googled my name and read my history. I know that in the past that has been quite disconcerting – especially when I meet someone new. They know so much about me before they even meet me! And yet, I have never had someone say, you have a lot of trouble with depression and you can’t be in my life. It has never happened.

I used to think: What if they judge me and think I’m weird? What if they have had a bad experience with depression? And then I realized that if someone judges me that way (or someone judges you that way) they are doing us a favor. We don’t want someone in our lives who judges before meeting someone. Instead, we can surround ourselves with people who see us as survivors. I know that the people I have met who read about me first have been kind and supportive. That helps my faith in human nature. I realize that being proud of what I have done despite having severe depression is an accomplishment. And if you live with this illness and still move forward, you can be proud as well – no matter what embarrassing, painful and ridiculous things you have done in your past! ;)

Julie

How Are You?

I know I have many readers in the southern states of the US. How are you? It’s totally normal if you're feeling very stressed and sick. Severe depression and suicidal thoughts are normal as well. Please remember that this is an illness and this kind of reaction to such a horrific event is normal. I’ve tried to look at the coverage and remain informed, but I can’t do it. I start to cry immediately and have severe anxiety. This is normal. I have depression.

There are a few things you can do:

- Limit your television viewing of the hurricane. You do not have to feel guilty about this. I’m not watching and though I do feel very sad and guilty about it, I have to take care of myself. I’m getting information second hand.

- If you need help, ask for it. Tell your doctor that the hurricane has made you ill and that you need help. If you need the hospital, then go. There is nothing wrong with getting help. It’s better than being sick. And it is definitely better than suicide.

- If you’re suicidal, get help immediately. As I have written many times, suicidal thoughts are a normal part of depression. Suicidal thoughts are about ending pain, not ending your life. GET HELP IMMEDIATELY if the hurricane has sent you over the edge.

- Do NOT look at pictures of the dead. Give money. Send your clothes. Pray if that is what you need to do. But looking at these images when you have active depression symptoms – especially severe depression, anxiety or psychosis, does not help anyone.

- See a therapist.

- Remind yourself that tragedy is a part of this world. It is not because you or anyone did anything wrong. Hurricanes are an act of nature. Yes, the government may not have done what you think they should have. You may be frustrated and upset by the rescue responses. That is normal. I just ask that if you’re feeling overwhelmed it is ok to take care of yourself.

I hope this helps.

Julie

The Hurricane in the Southern United States

As everyone knows, a devastating hurricane came ashore and put the city of New Orleans and damaged many small towns throughout the area including Mississippi and Alabama.

I had an argument with someone yesterday about the coverage of the hurricane. I was asking questions about what was happening and he said, “Aren’t you watching the coverage! Haven’t you seen what is going on down there!” I could tell he was very upset. I said, “I don’t have a television or the internet at home.” And I was just about to tell him the real reason I was not watching the coverage when he said, “Well, you just better wake up and take part in the real world.” This was said very aggressively. I was a bit stunned and said, “Well. Well. Um. Well.” (How about that incredulous articulate response!) This was a new person in my life and I did not know him well. So I hung up on him.

If he has just taken one minute to politely ask me why I was not watching the coverage, I would have said the following:

“I have an uncle in Alabama. He is giving us updates all day. So I know what is going on. But the real issue for me is depression and terrible anxiety. Depression is an illness that is completely affected by stress. When I saw some of the coverage on TV, I felt so worried and upset and starting thinking of all the property, historical sites, houses and families that will forever be affected by this hurricane. I felt the stress rise in me to the point that I wanted to cry. And then the anxiety started. I felt my breathing get constricted and the worry got worse. In other words, the coverage caused a mild panic attack and right then I said to myself. Treat depression first. If there were something you could do, you would do it.

But as I am in Portland, Oregon I can’t do much except talk and donate money for the clean up.

I am not cold hearted and I am certainly not uninformed, but I have to take care of myself first, or I will not be able to do what I need to do in my own life.

The next time you judge someone you hardly know, think a bit, find some compassion and ask them what is going on. JERK! “

But I didn’t get to say it as I had already hung up on him. ;)

So, watch the coverage if you must, but if it’s causing any depression symptoms you can stop without feeling guilty.

Julie

Medications are Not Enough

I wish we could just all take a pill and never experience depression symptoms again. I’ve read about a few people who experience this miracle, usually from the right SSRI, but I certainly don’t know anyone who has the illness and is free of symptoms because of medications. I know that all of the people I know with depression including myself now that I’m successfully on Lamictal have to very carefully monitor their triggers in order to stay stable.

It’s as though the meds help the random mood swings and help us stay more stable in every day life, but as soon as something big happens we can go right in to mood swings again. The meds definitely make the mood swings less serious and in many cases, less lengthy, but the mood swings are still triggered.

In fact, even though I’ve had depression all of my life, I ‘m amazed at how serious this illness is and what we all have to go through to stay stable. I know that the Health Cards are what keep me going even when the Lamictal is working. They remind me that I have to be very careful about triggers if I want to really stay well.

What do you do besides medications to stay stable?

Julie

Hello, I know that many people read and enjoy this web log. I offer it free to anyone who comes to the website. I would like to suggest that people get the Health Cards as a supplement to this web log. They really do help people with depression as well as friends and family members treat the illness more effectively. This also helps me continue to offer free information on this log and in newsletters. There are many different payment structures for all financial needs. Please write comments@bipolarhappens.com for more information.

Julie

Obsessions

People with obsessions may find themselves acting in compulsive ways in largely futile attempts to relieve the anxiety associated with the persistent, unpleasant thoughts. (I just read that in my big red psych book after looking up OCD after a particularly bad little OCD episode last week!)

Here are some OCD behaviors that many people with depression experience.

- Counting
- Repeated actions
- Making lists
- Hearing voices say the same thing over and over again
- Snips of music that sticks on the same tune and words
- and much more!

I used to splash hot water on my face to stop the thoughts.

Actions such as the water, checking things such as email and the phone, needing to see if the stove is turned off, etc seem to make you feel better because they stop the thoughts at least a little. And yes, people with depression can definitely have OCD symptoms. When you have an argument with someone and then try to sleep and you literally can’t stop a thought and it loops over and over again and then you go check your phone to see if the person called and when they don’t you feel worse and if they do call you get momentary relief and then the obsessions start again.

Though most people with OCD symptoms don’t have full blown OCD and thus don’t warrant an OCD diagnosis, theses obsessions and the compulsions are very real and can cause a lot of stress for the person with depression.

Julie

Make Yourself Work

People often ask me how I get so much done when I’m sick. Well, today is one of those days where work feels really difficult. I’ve had some ups and downs with a relationship lately, and it’s really affecting my ability to concentrate and write. I have a column due and need to work on the web page. I also have a book due in December. I have no desire to do this work. I wonder what I want to do instead? Lie in bed? Eat junk? Watch a DVD and cry? I have found that actually doing the work, even when I don’t want to is the best choice.

There are a few reasons for this. Sitting around feeling depressed doesn’t lead to anything. Finishing something does. Writing just a little, getting out of the house. Talking with someone about anything besides bipolar disorder really does make a difference. And I want to be really honest and say that I don't have any special skills that you don't have. I've just used the Health Cards to teach myself how to work again.

So I am sitting in a coffee shop surrounded by people who seem lively and rather cheerful. I am writing this blog and then I will write my column. I think this will help my mood. Actually I KNOW it will.

Are you feeling down? Can you do just one thing and complete it? That is quite an accomplishment when you’re depressed and can really change your mood.

Julie

Feeling Abandoned

It’s normal to feel abandoned when you’re depressed. I’ve always wanted to do a comic about depression. There would be three panels. In the first would be a movie star on the red carpet waving to the crowd. We see a thought bubble and he’s thinking, “I wish I were dead.” In the second panel there is a business woman leading a discussion around a big boardroom table. She is obviously very successful. We see her thought bubble and it says, “I wish I were dead.” In the third panel is a father with a little girl. The little girl is laughing and hugging her father. In his thought bubble we see, “I wish I were dead.”
My point with this is that depression doesn’t care who you are or what you have going on in life. It has no conscious. Depression is simply an illness that takes over your life no matter where you live, how much money you have, how much people love you or how much success you have had in life. It has to be treated like an illness or it will ruin what you do have.

For many people, feeling abandoned is part of depression. This is where you suddenly feel like there is no one in life who cares about you. Everyone seems busy and you feel totally alone. This feeling happens even if people are calling you and if you do have a lot going on. I’ve always found it amazing that depression is so much stronger than reality. With other illnesses, I think that a person can look around and see what is real and what isn’t. With depression, you simply can’t distinguish between what is real and what is created by the illness.

This is why it’s important to have a list of what you’re like when you’re well. You probably don’t feel abandoned when you’re well. You probably don’t even think about it. If you’re feeling abandoned right now, it’s important that you really look around you and see what is real in your life. Don’t let depression think, speak or act for you. That is when big mistakes are made that are difficult to repair. Focus on treating the depression. Call your doctor. Adjust your meds. Take a walk. Call a friend. Do whatever it takes to get better so that you can see the reality of your life.

Julie

Odd Behaviors!

I want to list some of the odd things that happen when my brain is malfunctioning and I get depressed. When you get sick, do you notice that everyday things become really difficult? Here are a few of the odd things that happen when I’m sick.

- I can’t choose a video in the video store. Everything looks dumb or everything looks like it will be too depressing.
- I have trouble returning phone calls. I almost feel scared to talk on the phone.
- I feel lonely and sad but instead of getting out and doing things with friends, I sit at home and feel lonely and sad.
- I can’t cook. It’s just too much effort.
- I don’t like to take long drives. It makes me depressed.
- I trip and fall more easily.
- I can’t listen to certain songs.
- My living space gets really messy.

Oh well, this could be a much longer list. I have most of these listed on my Health Cards to remind me that it’s the illness that causes this and not some monumental failing in myself. It’s hard to remember this though. I wish I could imprint the Health Cards on my brain instead of the bad thoughts.

How about you? What kind of list could you make? Maybe you can talk to someone about it so they will understand you a bit better. You can laugh at mine if you want. They are a bit strange.

Julie

Take Care of Your Teeth!

Psychiatric drugs can be really hard on your teeth. I ought to know. I’ve lost three teeth already! I’ve found that the anti psychotics are the hardest to deal with. Have you noticed a change in your teeth since staring medications? There are a few theories on why the teeth are affected: One is that the illness itself causes a person to clench or grind their teeth. Medications can cause this as well. Another theory is that the meds can cause a dry mouth with makes the teeth brittle and they crack. It’s important that you know about this and make sure you get your teeth checked regularly.

Julie

Set One Goal Today

If you’re really sick or if you just got through a bad mood swing, it’s hard to get anything done. I can remember sitting on my couch and being so ill I couldn’t even decide how to get up off the couch much less do anything around the house. Catatonic depression is no fun.

We have to go easy on ourselves when we’re sick. I remind people that if we had just gone through a bout of pneumonia, everyone would want us to take it easy. They would give us chicken soup and plants and candles so that we can feel better. It’s sad we don’t get the same treatment after a bad depression.

So, for today, can you set one small goal and get it done? That often helps you get your confidence back, even if you feel too sick to function. I know that when I get really ill, I feel like a failure in every respect. But if I say to myself, today I am going to get up, dress nicely and get on with my day as if I were normal, I feel a lot better. I don’t have to enjoy the day, I just have to get through it.

What is your simple goal for today? Maybe you have not left your house for a while. Can you get dressed and go out and be with people? Maybe you did something when you were ill that you really regret. Can you call someone and talk about it? Can you work on forgiving yourself?

Today I am going to work with my web master on the Spanish translation of my web page. I don’t have to feel really motivated right now, I just have to show up and let the work take over. That is my goal.

I hope you can reach a goal today as well.

Julie

Nothing has changed!

I often say this to myself when it feels like everything is going wrong. First of all, if it feels like EVERYTHING is going wrong, it’s often a sign that depression is taking over your life. If you think of it rationally, there are probably a lot of good things in your life even when it feels like everything stinks. The illness often won’t let you see this. When I feel like my friends are totally annoying, I dislike my work, I look terrible, I’m bored and life is no good, I’ve taught myself to really examine my life to see if this is true. The facts are that it’s never true. What has changed is my brain and the way it sees my life. So I remind myself, Julie, nothing has changed. Your friends are the same friends you have loved for years. Your work is the same, life is the same. What has changed is your mood. So work on the depression instead of trying to change something that doesn’t need changing.

This saves relationships and keeps me in the same city with the same friends and work. That is quite an accomplishment! Can you do the same?

Julie

There is no one to save me…..

I’ve found that the best way to treat depression is to ignore what it’s telling me and just get on with my life. If it makes it hard for me to listen to my regular music, then I don’t turn on the music or I turn it on in defiance and just remind myself it’s just music and I listened to it just fine the other day. If it tells me I need new friends, I answer it back and say my friends are just fine, the depression is the real problem. I spend my time treating the depression instead of searching the internet for something new to do. I don’t have time to do new things! But depression doesn’t care.

If I look at my Health Card for depression it reminds me that there’s nothing new with my depression. It has been the same since I was 16. The difference is that I have so many more tools now and I can get on with my life.

If depression is getting you down today, the best thing you can do it get up and go do something. No matter what it is and no matter how rotten you feel about doing it. You have to do it. Get up and get out and tell depression to leave you alone. Check your meds. Ask for help. Do what you have to do, but DON”T listen to what the depression says. Write your thoughts, actions and words in the symptoms column of your depression Health Card so you can use this information the next time you get sick to remind yourself that depression LIES. And you don’t have to listen to it. You just have to treat it.

We can do this together. I will not let this illness take over my life. I let that happen for too many years. I’m going to take a walk. How about you?

Julie

What to do when you think you can’t go on…..

First of all know you’re not alone. I’ve been there many times myself. And I just keep going. This is a tough illness. No one really knows this except the ones who have it. So if you feel you can’t go on, it’s normal. Who would want to go on if they had to feel sick all of the time? This is why suicide happens. People just want to end the pain. It’s not that they want to end life. They want to end the painful life. The way I deal with these feelings (and the way I have kept myself very much alive even though I’ve been suicidal off and on since age 19) is to remind myself that the painful feelings end. They are part of an illness. They are not who I am. If I’m having a down day, it’s because I'm depressed, not because there is anything wrong with my life. The Health Cards taught me this. When I read my own cards, especially my Normal Card, I’m reminded that the real me is pretty fine with who she is and where she is in life. The feelings that I don’t want to go on are illness generated. So I see them for what they are and I MOVE ON.

If you feel like you’ve just had enough and you can’t go on, you can go on. It just isn’t easy to go on right now. You have to stand up, say no to the thoughts. Do something that is active and recognize the awful thoughts and feelings as a part of depression. Maybe the something active is calling a doctor and saying you need more help with meds. Maybe it’s calling a friend and saying the depression is kicking your rear end today. Maybe it’s calling a therapist. Maybe it’s renting a funny movie that you’ve seen in the past and forcing yourself to be in the moment. What ever it takes to jolt you out of the tough times, that is what you do. Then you create a plan that helps you get through this mood swing and prevent another one from taking over any time soon.

Let’s do it together- I’m doing it right now. Today I will edit a book I’m writing, call a friend, work out, and make sure I go see a comedy movie. I feel like sitting at home and crying about not being able to take medications that work for me, but that is pointless. We can make it through the tough days. We are NOT this illness.

Julie

I’M PROUD OF YOU JULIE

When you’re sick it’s really easy to get down on yourself. Nothing you do is right. Nothing gets done. Work is difficult. Life is difficult and most of all, liking yourself is difficult.

I go through this every time I have a mood swing. But I’ve learned to cut it short and say to myself. I’m proud of you Julie. This is an illness. It’s not you and you’re simply doing your best in a difficult situation. Sure, I lose work time. I lose fun time. I eat worse and I don’t reach my goals in the way I want to. But I stay alive. I keep my friendships and I keep moving forward. This is something to celebrate.

What about you? Are you being hard on yourself for lacking motivation? For a bad down swing? For not being the person you know you could be if you didn’t have this rotten illness? Well, you’re not alone. Maybe you can give yourself a break today and say, I’m proud of you ________. And see that if you’re alive, you’re a success story!!!!

I will make sure to remind myself of this today as well. It’s one of those days.

Julie

New Additions to My Health Cards

One thing I really like about the Health Cards is that they’re dynamic. I’ve been using mine for over five years now. They are getting pretty big. I have added the following information lately in the symptoms column of my cards:

(Psychosis Health Card) It’s as though my brain is taken hostage by a group of people – or sometimes one person or thing that talks to me all day and says things that I have trouble ignoring. I’m never free of it. The voices and recriminations and lies follow me around because they live in my brain.

(Paranoia) It’s as though I am battling an enemy that really isn’t there. It feels so real! I’m sure there is an enemy, but when I try to find it, it’s gone.

(Depression) I see the world as a very dangerous place and often feel I will be killed.

(Normal) I see the world as a safe place. I need a lot more time to myself to do artistic things. My brain is quiet. I experience the normal, still brain. My thoughts are my own. I don’t get hooked into situations very easily. I’m philosophical about things instead of being overly connected and emotional. I just don’t obsess about anything! I don’t check my email or my phone for messages. I see business as business and nothing personal. I understand the time constraints my friends are under.

I will take the normal thank you! It’s always amazing to read my normal card when I’m sick. I just don’t have much normal in me when my brain has been taken hostage by this illness.

How about you? What new symptoms are you adding to your Health Cards and what great ideas do you have to add to the second and third columns?

Julie Fast

PS. For an explanation of how the Health Cards work, please visit the home page.

Depression……

One of the reasons that depression is so hard to recognize and treat is that it often attacks us in the areas where we’re already slightly weak. For example, I don’t care at all about cooking. I can take it or leave it. So when I’m depressed, I don’t hear voices or have thoughts about being a terrible cook. But what if a chef gets depressed? Their career is based on cooking and when the depression starts, it seems to know that this is the area that will really get to the chef. It’s where they support themselves and often find a purpose in life. So the depression just hones in on this topic and goes for the jugular. It’s natural that a chef might have some concerns about their abilities in the kitchen. Somehow the depression knows this. How does it know?

Let’s say that you’re a professional baseball player. When you get depressed, believe me, that depression is going to go for your baseball skills. It will tell you that you’re a failure and that everyone knows it. No matter how good of a player you are, it will tell you that your career is a sham and you should just quit. If you listen to this depression, it can really ruin your game.

I personally get attacked in the area of relationships. I work so hard to be a good friend and partner. This has been a life goal, because in the past I definitely had problems with relationships. So when I get depressed, I go right back into the feelings that I will never have good friends or a loving partner, even though all and I mean all of the evidence in my life says something very different. I often wonder how depression knows to go for my weak spot? It never talks to me about my writing. I’m very confident in that area and it can’t seem to get in. It doesn’t get on my case about anything that I feel assured about. Instead it goes for the areas where I already have doubts and worries.

Does this happen to you? Does depression always find your weak spot? Then you’re not alone.

This is why it’s SO hard to treat depression. We believe what it says because it simply confirms the little doubts we already have in our minds. You’re a terrible singer, partner, teacher, housekeeper, lover, student, car mechanic, etc, etc. Depression doesn’t care about facts. It doesn’t care about anything except making you miserable, so it goes for where you might already be hurting.

Luckily there is a way to deal with this.Luckily there is a way to deal with this…

If you can learn your weak areas and write them down, you’ll be ready for the thoughts and feelings created by depression. It’s still difficult to deal with the depression and it’s really hard to separate yourself from what it’s saying, but if you can just remember that it ALWAYS attacks a certain area, you can stop the depression.

The goal of the Health Cards is to make this easy. I know that my relationship Health Card lists all of the symptoms I go through when I’m depressed and the illness is telling me untrue things. I can read the card and say, Oh yes! I remember having these thoughts the last time I was ill. I’m going to treat the depression instead of giving into the thoughts. This is how the Health Cards keep me alive and well.

So, what are your weak areas? What do you need to remember to look for the next time you get depressed?

Julie

The best gift you can give anyone on Valentine's Day is your own health. Then you can be available in mind, spirit and body for a loving relationship.

Super Angry and Everything Feels Wrong!

Did you know that anger and irritation are a normal part of depression? . Have you ever had a mood like this: You get to a restaurant and don’t want to be there. It feels crowded and the wait is too long. Then the seats are uncomfortable and you want to change tables. The menu is wrong too. Nothing looks good and it’s all too expensive. You’re upset with who you’re with. What are they wearing? They look dumb. When the food gets to the table, there is something wrong with it. You send it back. You complain all night about everything and can’t see how it affects your companion. You’re filled with rage. The person you’re with can’t do anything right. Nothing helps. You want to scream, shout and punch the world!

Depression is notorious for causing this type of behavior. Many of the people around you may think you’re just a mean spirited nasty person, whereas in reality it’s the illness! There is a solution. Once you learn your particular anger and irritation symptoms, you can write them on the Health Cards and create a plan to treat and ultimately prevent this kind of anger. It helps relationships and certainly makes dining out a more pleasant experience!

Julie

The Neediness Chain of Command

One of the main problems with how depression affects your relationships is that the illness can make you very needy. It really is a complex and frustrating illness, and you may reach out blindly to whomever is in your life, expecting them to understand what you need and why you need so much, so often. This can be confusing and upsetting for your friends and family members (even the ones who do want to help) and may cause them to turn away from you. One solution is to have a chain of command you go through before you turn to the same person too many times.

Look over the following chain of command for asking for help. You can add your ideas at the end of the list.

1. I try to help myself first by looking at my lifestyle and decide on any changes I can make in order to feel better. I use diet, exercise, medications, and supplements to help myself get better.

2. I turn to a professional they are used to my mood swings.

3. I turn to people who understand my needs and are not overwhelmed when I'm sick.

4. I tell the people in my life that I'm ill, and if they offer help, I take it. If not, I look elsewhere.

5. I join professional groups that provide support and kindness when I'm sick. These groups don't have to be related to depression.

6. I don't exclusively call one person (such as my mother or father) and cry on the phone to them every night. I spread out my needs.

7. I accept that being needy is a sign that I'm depressed, and I have to treat the depression first if I want to end the neediness.

8. I try to get help from friends and family when I really need it instead of just turning to people without thinking of how it will affect them.

9.I accept that my partner may need a break from taking care of me and that I must turn to others instead of burdening one person with all of my needs.

10.. You can add to this list……

Julie

Finding the Clear Mind

I have one goal when I get sick and that’s to get back to my clear mind. If the brain is chattering and commenting on everything I do, I know this is a sign that I’m sick. I know that if the brain is constantly telling me that something is wrong and that I will never be happy, this can only mean I’m sick. When my brain gets like this it’s as though a civil war is going on in my mind. Depression is on one side and the real me is on the other. The depression won’t let me rest. It constantly talks and comments and creates feelings that overwhelm me with their negativity. It tells me that life is pointless. That waking up and going through the day is a chore. It tells me that I will never be in fulfilling relationships. It basically tells me my life is over.

The real me has to resist this assault. I have to remind myself 24 hours a day that this is not real. I normally have a clear, content and calmer mind. I can get on with my day without all of this chatter. I can live my own life without this monster commentary.

This is hard.

This constant battle in my head wears me out. I have to be super vigilant to make sure I do not make mistakes in life such as thinking someone does not care about me or making a big change such as signing up for something expensive and time consuming. I have to rest and know that treating depression is the only thing that calms the chattering mind.

So I use my Health Cards to remind myself of what my normal life is like. I look over my normal card and see that NOTHING is normal right now. Then I look at my depression card and literally see a list of what my brain is doing. This tells me it’s an illness and that I have to focus on getting better. As I say in the intro to the Health Cards, if I can literally read something that I wrote years ago and it tells me exactly what my brain is saying then it can't be real. It must be depression. And it always is. There is a comfort in knowing this.

How are you doing?

All episodes end with time. They end more quickly if you use a treatment plan that works. It you have a super chattering mind right now, my best advice is to IGNORE the chatter and what it tells you to think and do. Instead, focus on your treatment plan. Your life is the same life you had before you got sick. There is no way that everything is suddenly all wrong.
Use your Health Cards and the tips in Depression Happens. Ask for help. See your doctor. Exercise as much as possible. Watch the sugar and caffeine. Adjust your medications. Do the work is takes to get the clear mind. You can get your brain back to normal.

Julie

Please Don't Lose Hope!

This illness is filled with hopelessness. It makes you feel your past is a mess, your present is too painful and your future is hopeless. In reality this is not even possible and yet we believe it totally when we are sick. I’m here to tell you that this feeling of hopelessness is a sign that depression is talking and thinking for you. The real you is in there and that real you is full of hope. This real you just gets obscured by an illness. Keep reminding yourself that it is an illness. And once the illness gets better, the hope really does come back and you can get on with your life. Mood swings don’t last forever. Embarrassment and shame don’t last forever. Hopelessness is not permanent.

Don’t lose hope!

You just have to find the hope you know is inside of you.

Julie

You Can Do It

I’m having an okay day today. I’m very thankful for these normal days! They mean I just get on with my life. If you’re having a tough day today; if you’re recovering from a bad episode; if you just got out of the hospital; if you love someone who has depression; or if you were just diagnosed with clinical depression and are scared, I just want to let you know it does get better. You can do it. You can learn to live with this illness. It takes work and it definitely takes a plan, but there is hope. If I can get better, anyone can get better.

A friend of mine told me that she writes a success diary once a month. She looks at what has gone well and writes about it to remind herself that there are a lot of positive events in her life. I did this for 2004 at the beginning of the year. It’s so easy to focus on what doesn’t go well – I had a downswing a few days ago – I’m spending too much money in order to feel better, etc. I can focus on this, or I can remind myself that I’m doing my best and things are going to be okay. I hope you can do that for yourself today. What are you doing well? What have you accomplished? What is it in you that keeps you alive? These are strong qualities. I hope you're proud of yourself for having them.

Julie

When I have a tough day, I try to remember that it’s okay to have tough days, but it’s not okay to get into bed and not get anything done. I did that for SO many years and it only leads to more pain. I now try to just keep going even when it feels like I’m walking through mud. I make lists of what has to get done hour by hour and often try to go somewhere that helps inspire me to work such as a coffee shop or a friend’s house. If I do end up in bed, I talk myself into getting up and at least doing one thing in order to change the direction of the day.

I also talk to myself a lot. For example, when I’m having an ADHD type day, I constantly say:

Focus, focus, focus, you can focus Julie. Just do one thing at a time. Focus, focus, focus.

When written down like this it may look a bit odd, but when you’re in the middle of a messed up brain, it helps to redirect the brain yourself so that you don’t lose yet another day.

When I’m depressed and teary and it feels like life is pointless, it’s often hard to get anything done, so I say:

It’s okay Julie. You can do it Julie. Take a break and come back to it. You can do it. Depression is really kicking your butt today, but you can get through it. Just keep going.

This helps so much.

In the past, before I started the Health Cards, I heard very different voices, You’re such a mess Julie. You never finish anything. You reek with ineffectiveness. You’re a failure and everything you do is worthless. You should just die.

What a way to live! For so many years that is how I talked to myself when I was sick. Or, I should say that is how depression talked to me when I was sick. I no longer allow this talk. Ever. I still hear it, but I don’t have to listen to it or act on it. I much prefer being nice to myself, even when I make a complete mess of things during a mood swing.

What compassionate language can you use instead of the harsh language depression wants you to use? Here are some suggestions:

- I am proud of myself that I kept going today and didn’t get into bed.
- I made mistakes while sick, but that is part of being depressed and I forgive myself. I’m now going to do what it takes to make sure this doesn’t happen again.
- I have a lot of challenges because of depression. I am SO proud of myself for dealing with them.
- I love it that I am on this web site and that I’m looking for help. That is success!

Julie

When Overwhelmed – Just Do Half!

I often feel like I need one of those break in case of emergency boxes when I’m feeling overwhelmed. Maybe inside there will be incentive, peace and the ability to do something simple such as putting dishes in the dishwasher. On the tough days just brushing my teeth and taking a bath can feel impossible.

I’ve found that the easier I am on myself, the more gets done. For example, if you’re having one of THOSE DAYS and you have to fold laundry, then let yourself just fold half of it and walk off. You can do the rest later. If you have a project at work that feels impossible, let yourself off the hook and promise yourself that you’ll do half and finish the rest later. Period.

But, you may say, What if it HAS TO GET DONE! Well, I’ve found that I don’t finish the projects very well when I’m sick anyway. I spend more time worrying about what I can’t do than actually doing something. By letting myself just do half, things eventually get done. If I listen to what my brain is telling me when I get that feeling that I really can’t get projects done, things really are too overwhelming and I don’t do anything. Then I feel the guilt and self loathing that goes with being a LAZY SLACKER.

The facts are that part of this illness is feeling too overwhelmed to do what needs to be done. Taking care of your child, getting in the car and going to the bank, brushing your hair, cleaning the kitchen, writing a book, running a company, etc, etc. I’ve been through it all. When this happens, then do half of what you normally do. It doesn’t really mean you’re doing half by the way. If you’re like me, it means your doing 100% more than when you let the illness control how much you get done.

So, here is my half web log that I didn’t want to write. My mind says, Julie, you are SO behind with this web log. You are not working enough. You just drive around and don’t accomplish anything. If you were a good writer, you’d write three web logs and work on your screenplay, clean the kitchen, crochet a scarf, take a bath, call a friend, and achieve world peace all by dinner! I’ve been fighting these thoughts all day, so for now, I’m just going to do half. Half the blog entries, half the dishes and half a bath. Ha ha. What can you do half of today!

Julie

Going New Places

Whenever I have to go somewhere new in my car and it involves getting directions I find myself becoming anxious. It’s as though the task is overwhelming and something will go wrong. I find this behavior ridiculous and I’m trying to do something about it. I'm really careful about getting the directions off the internet and printing them off. Then I make sure I have enough time to find where I’m going. And yet I still find it stressful! Getting on an airplane is easier for me as everything is taken care of and I don’t have to worry about directions. I have a Health Card called Weird/Odd behavior. This driving thing is something I list on that card so that people can understand why driving somewhere new, especially if it’s far away is a problem for me. Writing it like this makes me feel silly. I think to myself, what on earth is wrong with you Julie? It’s not like you’re driving across the country! But I have to accept that this is a part of who I am and just deal with it, as frustrating as it is. I know that when I’m stable it’s not so bad, but if I’m depressed, it’s definitely a struggle. I miss a lot of parties and events for this reason. Hopefully the people in my life understand. I’m working on this though and am really getting out and driving more so that my friends don’t always have to come to my area of town. Do you ever have this problem?

Julie

Suicidal Thoughts are Normal and……
Suicidal Thoughts are Nothing to be Ashamed of!

I just received this letter:

I just wanted to write Julie a note and let you know how much reading your book helped me. I was really, really, really suicidal, and not knowing where to turn, and really close to hurting myself. I read your book and it all of the sudden clicked in my head that "this wasn't me, this was my illness". That switch was a huge, huge relief and it really, really made a major difference in my life. It helped me focus on getting better and not listening to those voices. I can't even begin to tell you what a difference your frankness made in my life. I still remember reading "suicidal thoughts are totally normal for someone with bipolar disorder". That realization changed, and saved, my life. Instead of being embarrassed about those thoughts, I started talking about them, and writing about them and saying NO to them.

I now have a new doctor and have been totally stable for over a year. I'm glad I didn't act on those crazy thoughts, and I'm really glad I found your book to help guide me through that tough time. You made a big difference.

Thank you,

Allison

I think that Allison’s letter shows that there is hope with this illness even when you’re very suicidal. I’ve been suicidal so many times I can no longer keep count. There’s a reason for this. I have depression. It’s the only reason I get suicidal. It’s the reason Allison gets suicidal. Suicidal thoughts have nothing to do with who I am as a person. They have nothing to do with how strong I am or where I am in my life. They have nothing to do with who Allison is either. They are simply a side effect of a rotten illness. The day I realized this, I got control of my suicidal thoughts. They no longer control me.

If you’re suicidal right now, it means that the depression is taking over your life and you need help. It doesn’t mean you have to kill yourself. It doesn’t mean you’re a failure. All of the messages you hear when you’re suicidal are incorrect. ALL OF THEM. There is nothing reasonable about wanting to die. I’ve wanted to die in so many ways- by a bus, a car, a murderer, cancer, a gun, pills, anything! And you know what? When I’m suicidal it’s always the same. It’s not like I have original suicidal thoughts. I always say the same thing about myself and have the same feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness. They are the same at 40 years old as they were at 19. That tells me they are NOT REAL. Period. Real thoughts change. They are based on reality and they make sense. Suicidal thoughts only make sense to the depressed brain. Not your real brain.

If you’re suicidal right now, it’s normal.

This is the time of year for suicide. It’s all about holiday cheer and who you eat dinner with and who gives you presents. If you don’t have any of that, and even if you have too much of that, you can still get sick. There is a lot of pressure at this time of year to be happy.

I know what you’re going through if you’re suicidal. I was so suicidal in April when my second book deal had trouble I almost went to the hospital - and it has been a really long time since I had to go to the hospital. I made it through by using my suicide health card with my mother and you can too. Just as Allison did, just as many people with depression do every minute that they clearly see that suicidal thoughts have NOTHING to do with anything except an illness. So if you're suicidal right now, call someone who can do something about it. Say, I'm depressed and I’m suicidal. If you need to go to the hospital, go. If you need to call your doctor, do it. If you had pneumonia, you would not wait to get help, so don’t wait if you have suicidal thoughts. You can find stability again. Think of Allison and myself. We live with this illness and we made it through. You can too.

Julie

Holiday Cheer? What’s That!

How are the holidays treating you? Would you believe that even though things are fine and life is normal, I’m experiencing holiday depression? I often wonder where depression comes from. Why does it hit us so randomly sometimes? I remind myself that it’s an illness, but I still wonder, can’t it at least be reasonable! The truth is that we can’t reason with an ill brain and the depressed brain is ill. Sometimes the triggers such as an argument, not sleeping enough, or too much sugar make sense, but then there are triggers that seem so out of context, such as getting depressed after going to a really nice party or getting depressed on vacation. I rationally know that it’s simply stress that our brains respond to in this way, but emotionally I still want to find some kind of psychological explanation for why I would get depressed just because it’s holiday time.

It helps me a lot to remind myself that just as a person with diabetes has to watch their insulin, I too have to monitor my brain chemicals. If someone has insulin problems, I doubt they spend all day looking for the psychological reason behind the insulin issue. They probably just accept that it’s an illness and that they have to monitor the insulin more carefully. I try to do this with depression. When I have a day that feels dark and dreary, I remind myself that it’s normal and there is nothing wrong with me, outside of being depressed. That way I can focus on getting better instead of being too hard on myself.

Whether you practice Christmas or not, it’s still a time of “family time,” “holiday cheer,” and anything else the advertisers can think to tell us. If this is a tough time for you, it’s not a bad idea at all to simply turn off the TV. It’s also a good time to make sure that December 25th will not be a stressful day for you. I know that even though I did not want to have plans on that day, I will have to make sure there is something I can do if I decide to do so. Planning ahead for potential down swings really helps.

I have been thinking about all of us who have depression. It’s an illness. There are going to be down days, but they do not have to last forever. We can get better!

Julie

The Depression Hangover

I had a downswing yesterday. I woke up fine this morning in terms of my mood, but my body is tired. I call this the depression hangover. It’s tough to finally feel better mentally but still have to deal with having been sick. I think that a lot of people see depression as something non physical, but I know from experience that it wipes out the physical body as well. So, go easy on yourself if you’re depressed or getting over a depression. The body needs time to heal as well.

Depression and Loneliness

Did you know that loneliness is a symptom of depression? This may seem like a dumb question, but for most people it’s not one they really think of much. The loneliness you feel when you’re depressed seems so real is must be real loneliness, right? I’ve found this is not the case. Depression can create a false sense of loneliness and separateness that has nothing to do with reality. This is why we can feel lonely, disjointed and alone at a party. Or alone in a loving relationship or alone when we look at a child. It’s an illness creating the feelings. They aren’t real: they just feel real.

I have to remind myself of this constantly. I’ve acted on the lonely feelings and made quite a few mistakes in my relationships as a result. I’ve gone to events, looked for new boyfriends, traveled the world and changed my life in significant ways because of this loneliness. Once I realized that there was no real solution to the feelings outside of treating the depression this is when I changed. The fact is that the only cure for this loneliness is to end the depression that causes it. Once you do that, you can enjoy the holiday party, the dinner with friends, the time with a loved one or the time you have alone. Without taking care of the depression, the loneliness stays and there’s not a country big enough to get rid of it. I ought to know. I’ve tried Japan, China and France! The interesting thing is that when I take care of the depression I’m more content and stable no matter where I am. This includes having coffee with a friend here in Portland, Oregon. If I’m well, it doesn’t matter where I am or who I’m with. I’m internally happy.

The loneliness is a physical symptom of depression and will follow me if I don’t deal with the physical cause of the loneliness.

Of course there is real loneliness, especially over the holidays. If you don’t have as many friends as you would like or if your loved ones are far away, this can create real feelings of loneliness and they are dealt with quite differently. Depression will only make these feelings more unbearable, so it’s still important to treat depression first.

Stably and happy people are fine no matter where they are. They take care of themselves no matter what the situation. I want to be one of those people. It’s my life goal and it will probably take me a lifetime to do it, but I will! I know you can too. Loneliness caused by depression is very treatable. Use your Health Cards, take your meds, get out and be with people who make you feel good and remember, you’re worth it. Stability and happiness are waiting for you. You just have to find them. If I can do it after 15 years of being ill, we can all do it. Day by day!

Julie

Thanksgiving in the States

Today is a really big family holiday in the United States. It can also be one of the most stressful days. I already wrote a blog on the fact that my holiday plans changed last week when I realized I would be walking into a stress pit if I decided to spend time with my family. The plans kept changing and I could feel the stress and worry start before we were even on the road. And this was DAYS before the event. Well, the day is here and I am so happy I took charge and said no to a potential problem. They understood. I’m now going to spend time with friends in a non stressful environment.

For those of you who have to cook, chat, watch football, eat some more, clean and then eat some more, please be careful. This is a stressful time for our brains. It’s ok to say, “I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed. I think I’ll go take a break for an hour (or a walk, a drive, a bath). Do whatever it takes to stay stable. Remind everyone that your brain is not like other brains and the stress of all of the food and people can be a bit detrimental to your moods! I know I have never really had an illness free holiday. I plan to have one today though.

Triggers come in all shapes and sizes. They can be from a conversation with a family member who wonders why you still aren’t working to a loud environment where you have to get a lot of food on the table all at one time. Just go easy on yourself and remember, this is an illness and nothing personal. If I have trouble with holidays and many of the people who come to this website write and tell me they have trouble, then you are not alone if you just want to be alone when the day finally arrives. We can get through it!

Julie

Falling In and Out of Love

One of the things I really dislike about depression is that it affects my loving feelings towards the people in my life. I can wake up one and day and simply decide I’m no longer in love with my partner. The feelings FEEL real. I examine them and am sure that I’ve simply lost my loving feelings. They’re gone. So I tell the person I want to break up. I tell them that I simply don’t care for them the way I used to. They are very upset of course. And confused and then angry. I simply feel relief. For a few days I’ll walk around feeling like I have been let out of jail. I feel better! I was under too much pressure! And then my loving feelings come back and I look around and I’m alone. Suddenly I want to be with that person and I think, My god! What have I done?

Has this ever happened to you?

It’s so important to know that depression can cause you to feel NOTHING towards the people you love. It can happen if you’re depressed, psychotic or anxious. It feels very, very real. Of course there are situations where you do fall out of love with someone. That happens and is normal, but it’s usually a gradual process that has a basis in reality. If you have loved someone for a while and SUDDENLY you get the feeling it’s not working and you want out, then you have to examine this carefully. Have you been sick lately? Are you depressed? Are you feeling overwhelmed in other areas of your life? Do your Health Cards talk about this problem? (I know mine do.) It’s so important that you not act on these feelings until you’ve given yourself time to see if they are real.

Let Others Help You

I know that I’ve made so many mistakes in relationships because of depression. This is why everyone in my life knows I have this illness. They know that they may have to wait out one of my moods until I come back to my normal self. This takes a lot of patience and love on their part. I know that. I feel guilty, sad and worn out when I go through one of these phases. I can only hope the people in my life will let me back in their lives once I have rejected them. They don’t always let me back in, but I try anyway.

Take a Break Instead of Breaking it Off

The best solution to this problem is to take a break from someone when you feel you no longer love them. Just explain that there is a chance you’re sick and you need to think. This is a lot less stressful than breaking things off and wrecking something that you don’t want to wreck! I need to take this advice myself. I can learn to take a break instead of making drastic decisions that I later regret.

How about you?

Is depression affecting your loving feelings? As with all mood swings, we have to discover the trigger and deal with that instead of only focusing on what we feel. The feelings aren’t real sometimes. Our challenge in life is to learn what is real and what is the illness. We can do this by creating Health Cards that remind us what being sick feels like and we can educate the people in our lives to learn the language we use and the behavior we have when we go through one of the I don’t love you mood swings.

We can live with this illness and keep our relationships intact. It just takes a plan!

Julie

ADHD Moodswing

I woke up in one of those moods where my brain feels like it’s in molasses. I have so much work to do, but I can’t seem to focus on what needs to get down. I wander from room to room switching on the TV, thinking about breakfast, sitting at the computer only to get up and do it all again.

This is typical behavior for me when I’m overstimulated. I did way too much yesterday and then had trouble getting enough sleep.

When this happens, I know that the well me simply has to take charge, so here is how I do it.

First, I clean the area where I am going to work. Clutter is a problem when you are overwhelmed. It just makes the issue worse. Then, I break my tasks into small sections, list them on a piece of paper and then put a time limit and check box next to each one. It looks like this:

TO DO LIST

Edit Lani’s manuscript – 1 hr
Go over bills – 30 mintues
Make phone calls – 15 minutes

Lunch

Afternoon: Go to old office and start packing: 3 hours

You Have to be Hard on Yourself

You get the idea. I’m really strict with myself when I do this. First of all it lets me see how long a task really takes. I tend to think that tasks are never ending, but the truth is that most of them are quite short. Paying bills for example. They always take less time than I think and I feel SO much better when I get them done on time.

I call this the ADHD mood swing. I don’t actually have ADHD, but I sure have all of the symptoms when I get overwhelmed. I have an Attention/Focus Health Card for these days.

So, I am finally at my computer one hour later than planned, but at least I’m here. And I AM going to get my work done. I don’t want another wasted day. I have my music, a desk, my computer and an aromatherapy candle. The mood for work is set and I just have to get it done. I will feel a lot better tomorrow knowing I fought this mood swing and won!

How about you?

It’s so hard to finish tasks when the brain is giving us trouble. But you can do it. Get out a notepad, write down three reasonable things you want to accomplish today. Write a time limit next to them. And make a promise you will stick to one task until it’s done. Then move on to the next. This works.

I have a newsletter called Getting Things Done When You’re Depressed. If you would like a copy of this newsletter, please send me an email with the words depression: getting things done in the subject line and I’ll send it to you.

We can be productive, even when we’re sick. This is an illness. This is not who we are and it doesn’t have to define our productivity.

Julie

*** letter***

Hi Julie,

I understand you can't answer personal questions, but could you maybe do a future newsletter about the effect of too much tv. It is a trigger for me, but my husband is a tv addict. I need something that would help him understand that I'm dealing with a mood issue here, and not just trying to get my way.

Thanks,
B.

***
Hello B,

My book for couples Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder has a chapter on triggers and one very clear trigger listed is agitating television, especially the news! I know that war coverage is especially upsetting for many people with mood swings. When I was first diagnosed, I didn't watch television for two years. I needed a break from the negativity. I now watch it very selectively. Violent video games and movies can be an issue as well.

Julie

Holiday Preparation

Hello! I have a holidays newsletter I send out every year. It reminds all of us that the holidays can be really stressful for people with depression. In the States, we have to deal with Thanksgiving next week and would you believe that I am already stressed because what I thought was a simple plan to go see friends with my brother and his family is now a big complicated mess that involves traveling for three hours and visiting two households.

My family knows this is stressful for me, but oh well! I will have to decide what is best for my moods. I wish I were more flexible, but I'm not really. I need planning and structure during the holidays or I get overwhelmed and bitchy. I try not to let people know I feel this way and I try not to take it out on them, but I still have to deal with it inside of myself. I get tired of being so difficult, but it's who I am. So, what holidays do you have to deal with in the next two months? Do you have a plan to get you through them smoothly? I will mail that newsletter next week. I know that makes two newsletters in a row!

I have finally finished a newsletter. I have spent so much time writing books on bipolar disorder that my writing on depression has not been as prolific as usual! I am including the newseltter here. If you are on the mailing list it should be in your mailbox soon.

Paranoid Thoughts and How to Deal with Them!

I have a Health Card called Weird/Odd behaviors. This is where I list some of the strange things I do when I’m sick. The card reminds me that it’s an illness causing the behavior and helps the people in my life deal with my odd behavior without getting too upset.

One of these weird behaviors is that I sometimes don’t like to talk on the phone. Especially not for a long conversation. The reason is that the phone calls often lead to paranoid thoughts. I can have a great conversation, but as soon as I get off the phone I’m SURE the other person is upset with me. I can just FEEL it. I know that I’ve either hung up too soon and they think I’m rude or I talked too long and they’re bored, or I hear something funny in their voice and they just don’t want to tell me the truth of how they really feel. It’s endless.

Talking with Good Friends Should be Fun

Last night I talked with three close friends who live out of town. In every single case I felt they were upset with me when I got off the phone. It felt so real. I could just tell they were upset with me because I’m often too busy to call as often as I would like. I felt they said to themselves, “That Julie talks so much I never want to hear from her again!”

This is naturally one of the reasons I don’t call people much. It is not as fun as it could be when the calls make my brain do this. My friends are close enough and know enough about my paranoia that I can just be honest with them about this. We can laugh about it a bit as well. I’m just so darn weird! But it’s still embarrassing. I still think, What if it isn’t depression and they really do think these things about me? (A typical paranoid thought by the way.) What if it’s all true and not paranoia and I’m just blind? This is how the paranoid mind works. And you can’t win if you listen to it.

How to Live With and Ultimately Prevent Paranoid Thoughts

So what can you do? There are a few ways I deal with this paranoia. In many cases, eliminating the cause (trigger) of the paranoia is the best way to stop the thoughts from going this far. I don’t want to stop calling my friends, but I can be a bit more organized and spread the calls out instead of calling everyone on a Sunday evening. Next, simply knowing your paranoia symptoms is a huge help as you can see them for what they are. This is where the Health Cards come in. I can read my thoughts on my paranoia Health Card and know that I’m sick and that there’s nothing wrong with my relationships. It’s amazing to read a card I created four years ago and see all of my typical paranoid thoughts listed. They never change! But they always catch me by surprise.

Look at the Situation Realistically

I can also examine the situation realistically. It really isn’t possible that three of my friends are upset with me at the same time. It was three separate phone calls! This reminds me to treat this as paranoia and not a personal problem. There is nothing wrong with my phone behavior. I have to remind myself that my friends will tell me if they’re upset with me. They’re grownups.

It’s so important that I make the very conscious decision not to act on this paranoia. The feelings are so uncomfortable I want to call my friends back and say, “Are you upset with me? Did I talk too much? Do you still want to be friends?” In this case, I’m simply looking for symptom relief. It’s a lot easier to get relief through the Health Cards or exercise than it is to involve my friends in my paranoid behavior.

Be Honest with the People in Your Life

And finally, for future phone calls, I can be honest with my friends and say, “When we talk on the phone it’s often hard for me to stay stable. I so enjoy our conversations, but I often get paranoid thoughts when I hang up. If helps me if you remind me when we start talking that you’re not upset with me and that there’s no need to listen to the thoughts. Remind me that I have an illness and that there’s no need for me to be worried about a simple phone call. This reminds me to focus on our friendship instead of my paranoid thoughts. I appreciate your help.”

All of the people in my life know that I have a mental illness. I’ve set up a system where I can be honest when I’m sick. This helps SO much. In the past, as many of you know, I ruined many relationships due to paranoid thoughts. Now, because all of my friends use the Health Cards I feel more protected from the illness and what it makes me think and do.

Paranoia Takes the Joy Out of Relationships

Your goal is to know the symptoms, remind yourself it is paranoia, take care of symptom relief in a realistic way, ask for help and go easy on yourself when things get tough.

It can be hard to have normal relationships when you have depression, especially when you have to deal with paranoia, but you can do it. It just takes a plan. Good friends will always help when you are honestly trying to live with this illness and have a normal life. They simply need concrete ways to help you.

*** end newsletter ***

Thank You for Your Kind Letters

Please note that while I read all of my email with great appreciation, I'm no longer able to answer email that asks for personal advice. I receive over 100 email a day asking for advice and I just can't keep up with it! I do try to answer the most common questions on the web log. Please refer to the web log for possible answers to questions you may have. The web log is updated regularly. My book Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder: Understanding and Helping Your Partner is available in all major bookstores throughout the world as well as through amazon.com. This book was written for couples where one partner has bipolar disorder, but it works for friends and family as well. There is also a lot of help in the book for people who have serious unipolar depression.

As always, people on disability can receive the download information for the Health Cards for Depression free of charge. Please send me an email with disability in the subject line and I will send you the files. Please make sure your email accepts attachments.

Health Care Professionals who work with low income clients can receive the download directions free of charge as well.

Don't Give Up and Don't Be Too Hard On Yourself

Ha! that is much easier to write than it is to do! I missed a few days of work in the last week. This has not happened in a while. I remember when I could not work for years, so I'm not going to be too hard on myself. I have really been treating the anxiety this past week and it is much better. I'm still trying to figure out the trigger. Here is how I got out of the anxiety swing:

- Read my Anxiety Health Card

- Sent the card to my boyfriend as he is the one who is getting the brunt of the anxiety. It really affects my loving feelings when I'm anxious. He reminded me to look at my normal card and remember that I have been doing quite well for a long time and that this is just a blip.

- Told everyone that I am having anxiety problems and that they need to be patient with me

- Made sure I didn't take out my considerable frustrations on others - though I wanted to! Everyone seems so stupid, unenlightened, slow and backwards when I am sick like this. Oh this is not fun! But the most important thing is to NEVER take this illness out on someone who is innocent.

- Exercised regularly. This included the gym and walks

- Tried not to be too hard on myself for all of the junk food. I can just stop eating it can't I!

- Reminded myself it will end

- Took some Ativan

- Saw my therapist who reminded me I am not normally like this and I can just sit on all of the feelings the anxiety brings up instead of acting on them

And most importantly, I didn't make any big decisions when I was sick. Now that I'm better, I don't have any huge messes to clean up. I did miss a few things becuase of the typical ADHD symptoms that come with anxiety, but I can live with those mistakes.

You can treat this illness successfully. Yes, it is harder for us than for someone without depression, but that is just our fate and we have to live with it. I will not give up. I hope this helps if you are anxious today!

Julie

A Tough Day!

Oh man I get tired of this illness. No matter how much I prepare myself for getting sick, it still shocks me at how frustrating it is to have an illness that keeps me from functioning the way I want to function. I’ve had some anxiety issues for the past week. I’ve taught myself to work through depression, but the anxiety still causes a lot of trouble. I always feel like looking around and saying, Who is doing this to me? Why am I so anxious? What is MY PROBLEM! Things are usually going fine when I get uber anxious and that makes it all the more confusing.

Then I remind myself that this is a normal part of depression, especially when I get overworked. I guess I’ve done too much in the past month. My diet is not the best either. I’ve been doing so well with eating and then about a month ago I started eating sugar again. Sugar and anxiety don’t really mix. At least I have kept off the coffee.

On days like these, when you are a bit of a mess, it is SO important to have a plan for the day that you stick to. Even if it is something as simple as getting out of the house and taking a walk. It really is about baby steps when the anxiety is raging.

And, as I’ve said so many times before, make sure you don’t make any big decisions when you’re not at your best. Decisions can wait. Focus on fixing the mood swing. Then you can make the decisions. I haven’t looked at my anxiety Health Card for a while. I will see what it says in the symptoms column:

Pinched mouth and face
Feels like ADD
Even simple tasks are too much – such as washing the dishes
Overwhelmed
Sighing “whew”
Body pain
Feel that I am doing something wrong
Guilt- Worry
Teary
Feel that all appointments are too much
I can’t focus enough to start tasks
Unfounded and unreasonable fear that something is wrong or that I have done something wrong
Brain feels broken and fragmented
I feel very confused
Ringing ears
Brain racing and looping
I am aware of sleeping
Restless
I say unreasonable things out of anger
Everything seems insurmountable
Trouble breathing
This is the main reason I can’t work

Hmm. Well. All of this is going on and has been going on for a few days. This reminds me it’s an illness. I wrote that Health Card almost four years ago and yet nothing has changed. When I get anxious, I always get anxious in the same way. This tells me it’s an illness and not me. I will focus on the illness and save myself the trouble of microexamining my life. I can go to the What I Can Do section of the Health Cards and help myself. I also have to make sure I show my friends and family the How You Can Help column so they know what to do when I get like this. It’s a lot easier when I remember to use the Health Cards instead of trying to go it alone.

I am going to exercise, do something calm this evening and wake up better tomorrow. That is a promise!

How about you? Are you overwhelmed and anxious right now? Are you negative as well? Patience often goes out the window when the anxiety starts. There is hope! I just took some Rescue Remedy. I talked with a friend and I didn’t break up with my boyfriend. That is progress. We can get better and we can get through this.

Julie

I woke up too early this morning and couldn't sleep because of my churning mind. Hmm. Does that every happen to you? Or maybe it is the opposite. You sleep too much and your mind is slow either because of depression or the medications you are taking.

Well, I say let's do something about this right now. Make today a day were you take care of yourself. Even if it is a fun movie, a massage, a phone call to a friend, a walk, or a good depression friendly lunch. I'm going to do it. Otherwise the symptoms will take over just a bit more. Whenever I get overwhelmed with life as I am today, I make myself examine what is real and what is depression. I think that having a lot to do in one day causes problems, but then on the other side, if I'm sick, it make everything seem like too much to do!

I made sure I did my meditation practice this morning. It was a bit rushed, but I did it. Then I sat down and plotted out the day. This made me see I do have time for everything. Then I reminded myself to just live in the moment. Yes, I'm feeling uncomfortable, but it does not have to be like that all day. I can improve!

Some of you are just waking up and some around the world are going to bed. What can you do differently today or tomorrow to make your life a bit more healthy? I am going to think about this all day today so I can stay focused on what is going well instead of what I THINK is going wrong. No matter how sick we are, we still have some control. What is the real you saying today? What do YOU need?

Julie

The Lovely Time Change

Well, here in the Pacific Northwest of the United States winters are not fun. My city, Portland, starts to get dark around 4 PM these days. In the winter it can be quite gray all day. Lovely.

How is it where you live? Do you have SAD problems? I know I do. I’m getting out my SAD Health Card and I’m NOT going to let this weather get me down this year.

Positive Words

No matter how you are feeling today, I want you to know there is hope. There really is. It just takes a treatment plan that includes medications if needed and complimentary treatments. Depression is not a death sentence. It feels like one quite often, but we can make it. WE CAN.

Julie

Caveat! Don’t Make Big Decisions When You’re Sick

Things have been going quite well for me for a few weeks. I’ve been working too much, as always, but otherwise I’ve been relatively stable. At least until the past few days. I have some big decisions to make in the month and I can feel the pressure I put myself under to make the right decisions.

I keep going back and forth in my thoughts. One minute things are fine and then the next everything is a mess in my mind. As I write this, I can see that this is a sign that I’m sick, but things are easier to see in hindsight. I often forget to get out the Health Cards and read them when I’m feeling overwhelmed.

Things became a lot more clear today. As I was taking a morning walk, I saw a car come toward me and I had the thought, “I wish that car would run me over.”

As I write in all of my books, these psychotic thoughts are a sure sign of illness. Once you see them as signs that you need to work on the depression, they’re not as scary as when you actually think they’re real. So, when I had this thought I immediately knew that the reason I’m having so much trouble making a decision is that I’m psychotic and mildly depressed. Deep inside I knew this was the case, but things are going so well in life I think I just ignored the signs. How can I be sick now? Well, depression could care less whether the stress is good stress (travel, a visit from a dear friend) or bad stress (serious problems with a publishing company). The fact is that depression responds to triggers and even good triggers can cause mood swings.

Now I know that I simply can’t make a decision right now. My brain is not capable. I will have to keep things as they are and treat depression first. I have to end this depression and psychosis before I can make any work or relationship decisions. This will protect me from doing something I will deeply regret once I get better.

How about you? Are you ill right now? Are you having any of the following symptoms?

- want to make really big changes in order to feel better such as quitting a normally good job or leaving a normally fine relationship
- want to give away items in your home so you c